Have you ever asked someone for help—whether it’s doing the dishes, planning an event, or just listening—and they suddenly become completely incapable? Like they’ve never used a dishwasher in their life, can’t figure out how to book a restaurant, or just “don’t know what to say”? If it feels more like avoidance than true confusion, you might be experiencing weaponized incompetence.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is when someone pretends to be bad at a task—or genuinely avoids learning it—so that someone else (usually you) ends up doing it instead. It often shows up in subtle ways:
- “You’re just better at it than me.”
- “I’ll probably mess it up, so why don’t you do it?”
- “I didn’t know how. You never told me.”
It can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, work partnerships, and even among roommates or family. It’s not always malicious, but over time, it creates a lopsided dynamic that leaves one person overburdened and the other conveniently off the hook.
How to Spot Weaponized Incompetence
Weaponized incompetence is sneaky. It can look like forgetfulness, confusion, or lack of experience. But here’s how you can recognize the pattern:
🔹 Repeated “Mistakes” With No Improvement
They do it wrong—again and again—and somehow never learn from it. This can be especially frustrating if it’s something you’ve already explained multiple times.
🔹 Convenient Confusion
They only seem helpless when it’s a task they don’t want to do. Planning vacations? Totally lost. Booking concert tickets for their favorite band? Somehow a tech wizard.
🔹 Deflecting Responsibility
They shift the blame back to you: “You’re too picky.” “You should’ve asked differently.” Or they say it’s just faster if you do it.
🔹 Disproportionate Praise for Minimal Effort
When they finally do help, they expect major recognition—even for doing the bare minimum. It keeps the power dynamic unbalanced: you’re overworked, they’re celebrated.
Managing Weaponized Incompetence in Relationships
You don’t have to accept it. Here’s how to respond:
✅ Stop Fixing Everything
Let them struggle a bit. If they don’t know how to load the dishwasher, don’t redo it behind them. Let them see the consequences of poor effort—and learn from it.
✅ Set Clear Expectations
Instead of vague requests, be direct: “Can you plan the first half of the trip and book two hotels?” And if they claim ignorance, suggest they Google it—just like you would.
✅ Call It What It Is
If this is a recurring pattern, name it. “It feels like when you act like you don’t know how to help, I end up doing everything.” Use “I” statements, but be firm.
✅ Balance the Labor
Emotional labor, household work, and social planning shouldn’t fall on one person. Have honest conversations about how responsibilities are shared.
Friendship Counts Too
Weaponized incompetence isn’t limited to romantic partners. Friends who always “forget” to check in, never plan hangouts, or avoid emotional conversations might also be leaning on you to do the heavy lifting. Remember: mutual care should go both ways.
Final Thought
Weaponized incompetence isn’t always conscious—but it’s still a choice. Whether it’s laziness, fear of failure, or just an easy way out, the result is the same: someone else ends up carrying the load. If you find yourself constantly picking up the slack, it may be time to set boundaries and demand better. You deserve a relationship built on respect, not avoidance.
By: Sophie Limbourg
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