From the Eyes of a Birthmother Part I

Life is breathtaking. It’s always exciting and often very unpredictable. Bringing you to the highest of highs and lowest of lows. One thing certain is that It is never guaranteed to be easy. It is possible to have a good life though.

As a little girl you dream of all the amazing things you will experience growing up. My adult life has been pretty far opposite from all of those dreams. Little girls base their love life from Disney movies. It’s a fact. We all do it. We have our minivans full of beautiful babies. The perfectly manicured home with the best yard in the neighborhood with a golden retriever playing fetch in the back. However, we can’t forget about graduating college, having an amazing career, and trophy husband (of course, Prince Charming). All by the age of 25 – let’s not forget the time line here. And then HELLO real world. Those dreams were a little too far-fetched (thanks Hollywood). Now, these things are possible but my life has turned out nothing, at all, like my “dream”. Life is way harder than I had planned for.

adoption fact

This is a series of my life that I would like to share with you. I hope to encourage you, teach you something new, and bring light to a subject that I feel isn’t well known and often misunderstood. Adoption

Most of the time you’re hearing the story of a couple waiting to get chosen for a baby or the process to get to adopt a baby in China or from an orphanage internationally. This time you’ll get to hear about the other side, my side, a birth mom.

Taking it back a little to preface my journey, I have always been a happy person. People have always associated me with being happy, always smiling, and just loving life. One of those extremely hard times of my life that came out of nowhere was my dad getting diagnosed with cancer. He fought a long, courageous, and hard battle but he passed away in 2013. I was in college through his battle and so those years were hard to begin with because of the emotional burden. So, after he passed I decided it was time to take a step back. I was with family during this time and friends. Supported and loved during this time of healing but it was still a struggle. I believe true growth is made in hard times. Where there is pain there is healing to follow.

I took a year off from but went back for a visit. It felt like home to me and so I enrolled for another semester. I was excited and nervous all at the same time – like I was a freshman again! Everything was going great. I liked my classes, I had a new job, loved my little house, and was feeling very happy. It all seemed to be going smoothly until about halfway through the fall semester. I was constantly sick. I was lonely. I was quickly learning I was not ready to jump back into everything I had. I started hanging out with a co-worker that quickly turned into more of a roommate situation. I was feeling some emptiness and liked the company. He liked it too.

I had a full load of classes as well as a part time job with not too much of a social life. I couldn’t find the balance I needed. At the end of the semester I knew I was at my breaking point and was ready to just throw in the towel. I just wanted my mommy. Mommy encouraged me to stay one more semester mostly because the student loan was already processed and couldn’t cancel it.

Where there is pain there is healing to follow (1)

It was about two weeks into the spring semester and there was a little miracle in my belly. It was maybe about six weeks later once I actually found out though. I immediately told the father and kept it a secret from everyone else. Emotionally, to carry that weight and having that information is incredible. This time around I was taking more in hours. I had enrolled in fifteen hours and bumped up my work load. Of course, before I knew there was a baby on board. Stress piled up early on. I was about fourteen weeks in once I finally told my mom; then the rest of the family to follow. I was not sure I was going to get the comfort and support I wanted because sex out of marriage was just a big no-no in our household.I knew I would not make it through all of this without them. My mom had to step back and she stopped talking to me for at least two months. That was so hard for me. I was close with my mom and feeling like I couldn’t turn to her to comfort me really was hurtful. Now, I was not that surprised by her reaction but part of me still hoped she would be forgiving and supportive. It just took her time to get to where she could help me and talk to me without getting mad or upset about it. She kept in touch with one of my brothers and sister who called me on a regular basis. But, not having the support I wanted wasn’t the only battle ahead of me.

Pregnancy was a whole new adventure. People talk about their growing belly’s and how wonderful it is. Hollywood shows you the great side of being pregnant but nobody likes to talk about the bad days. Let me just tell you, I have no clue what morning sickness is. I had all day ‘erday sickness. I was emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I knew there was a baby coming. I wanted to give life to this baby. That was about all I knew, besides the fact I needed to finish up the semester.

beauty in pain (1)

I was about twenty-four pounds lighter and isolated from most friends and family at the end of the semester. Finally, I was past the sickness and about half way through the pregnancy so I could really focus on what I wanted to do about this baby. I did not tell many people about being pregnant because I did not want people to influence my decision… maybe it had a little to do with feeling ashamed too. I quit my job and started really weighing my options. The father was the person I talked to the most through things while my family was still dealing with everything. We did talk about trying to finish school, raising her, and living our own lives. We talked about getting married and being a family. I wasn’t really liking how those sounded so I asked him if he would sign over his rights and let me raise her on my own and he respectfully declined. The only other option I could feel somewhat comfortable with was the path of adoption

The short few months after deciding I was going to pursue this path happened too fast but it was an amazing journey. There is beauty in pain. There is beauty in struggle. Through it all I couldn’t see what beauty was unfolding but in the hardest times of my life I have reached the conclusion it has been part of the best time of my life. And really…. This is just the beginning! There is so much more to the story I want to share and I hope you stick around to see this beautiful story unfold.